My Dad once wanted to conquer the waves. He was very strong, possibly the strongest person I’ve ever known. Perhaps this was his burden to carry… until he couldn’t any longer. He fought cancer for over 10 years. He’s not coming back to life this time. I’m sure that’s hard for us all (his family and friends) to accept, in many ways, even though we wouldn’t wish his pain to continue any longer. I hope he was finally ready to go, and I wonder if he was waiting for us to be ready to let him go, although how could we really be ready for that?
At this point when I was jotting down these thoughts last week, a bird shat on my phone, from the tree I was standing under. And I swore at the bird… but then I thought, yeah, maybe you’re right and I am just talking shit! Anyhow. My Dad loved birds and I know that watching them on the bird feeders was one of his comforts during his long illness. My daughter made a hummingbird sun-catcher on St. Patrick’s Day, with her birthday craft set from her ‘Papi’. We’ll hang it in the window when we get home, for the sun to shine through and send colours around the room, reminding us of all the happy times we’ve shared together (with family), in Hull (Massachusetts), Hingham, Vermont, Colorado, Italy, Province-Town… and the multiple Thanksgiving-Christmasses with family and friends in the UK. And before that, my brother and I had many memorable and cherished times with our Dad in the Herefordshire countryside, at our childhood farm.
So, he was a farmer before he was a businessman, sailor, cowboy, cactus enthusiast, cigar collector, wine connoisseur… (what am I forgetting?). The memory of him being a farmer is kind of hazy and mystical – I just about remember him in his wellies, taking me out to the barn, on a snowy Christmas morning, to see a new born calf. (My Mum was the farmer really though!). I heard that as a child, he wanted to be a vet, often finding injured animals to nurse back to health. He was a lot of things, wore a lot of different hats. What I loved most though, was when he was just being Dad – hanging out, sharing a meal, watching movies together. The only thing I’m grateful for about his long illness, is that we got to hang out and watch a lot of movies!
Over the last few, more difficult years, my wonderful sister-in-law has been a huge support to me, and I know to my brother too. Thank you. And thank you (to my Stepmother) for being by his side, for so many years, so many long nights. I am so grateful too, for my father’s generosity, and his open, non-pressurising encouragement, of whatever I wanted to do. Both of which have opened many doors for me, literally and figuratively.
But what I was getting at before, was, that I need to let him go now. I’ve missed him all my life, as he’s often been away… or there has been an ocean in the way. And although I want him to feel powerful and free again – on the open ocean, or galloping on a horse over the Rocky Mountains – I also like to imagine that he’s crossing the water to come and see us, one last time, to enjoy the British spring with us, before passing through to go off on some new, wild adventure.
So I’ve chosen this short poem to finish, by Billy Collins;
Walking Across
the Atlantic
I wait for the holiday crowd to clear the beach
before stepping onto the first wave.
Soon I am walking across the Atlantic
thinking about Spain,
checking for whales, waterspouts.
I feel the water holding up my shifting weight.
Tonight I will sleep on its rocking surface.
But for now I try to imagine what
this must look like to the fish below,
the bottoms of my feet appearing, disappearing.
© 2024 Psychodography Blog
REFERENCES
- Free Image: jacob-buller-eCBJTzipq5A-unsplash.jpg, taken from, https://unsplash.com/photos/body-of-water-during-golden-hour-eCBJTzipq5A
- T.S. Eliot, from “Little Gidding,” Four Quartets (Gardners Books; Main edition, April 30, 2001) Originally published 1943.
- Collins, B. (2002) ‘Walking Across the Atlantic’, from The Apple That Astonished Paris (1988), in Sailing Alone Around the Room: New and Selected Poems, Random House Trade Paperback, New York.
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